How did you guys meet? He super liked me on Tinder

Yes guys it’s been a while but my God have I got news for you. So brace yourselves and get super comfortable. This summer was my Tinder summer. The generation that we live in right now has brought so many questions to my mind. Questions such as: ‘How the hell do you meet someone these days? ‘ ‘How do you find love but most importantly how do you KEEP love?’ If you have read my previous posts about my Tinder experiences then you would know that I was coming to the end of my tether. I literally had had enough of the sexual harrasment and downright assholes. Until something amazing happened. Something unexpected, something that made me believe in….. magic.

I asked myself where do I meet the man of my dreams? How do I meet the man of my dreams? But also when will he walk into my life? The book I purchased, remember my book? The book I believed had all the answers?  This book was a guide to help me get out of my awkward comfort zone. The book stated that one must create opportunity and get out more to meet that someone. Realistically I thought to myself well firstly I don’t want to meet the man of my dreams in a nightclub or out on the town. Mostly because there’s alcohol involved. You will think he’s Prince Charming  once you have those rose tinted love goggles on. Your judgement is clouded, you will laugh flirtatiously at everything he says. You will be engulfed in a love bubble where the only sound you hear is your heart beating furiously and his voice will replace the music vibrations in the room. Yes this is it….                             BAM.. You wake up in the morning with a pounding headache and check your phone. It’s there and then that you groan loudly to yourself as you see the mess you have created. Primarily he’s no where near as attractive as he seemed last night. Secondly what the hell was he wearing and lastly you took embarrassing selfies with him and you have lipstick on your teeth. The last blow to this disaster is that you lent that brand new MAC lipstick to your new bestfriend that you made in the bathroom and she didn’t give it back!!! What else could make this shameful night even more disastrous? You never hear from Prince Charming again but it’s okay because your flashback reminds you of how outrageously big his nostrils were and how noisy his laugh was. A constant reminder of how you shouldn’t make judgments when you are not in the right state of mind.

So where else could I potentially meet this guy? Well college was a definite no, I don’t really attend college events and I’m not as attracted to the guys in college because they’re different to me. Skin colour aside just not my cup of tea. Tinder seemed to be my only option. Feet up in my onesie I redownloaded the app and began hunting. It was December, my hair was pink and I resembled a young lil Kim before her drastic surgery. One day in work whilst on my lunch break I received a message and it was from him. Prince Chatming found me and I wasn’t ready. It was a basic message which lead to a first date. He was funny, interesting and attentive. We did the texting thing getting to know one another. I was hesitant at first because I honestly couldn’t handle any more rejection or humiliation but my Prince Charming had something special. Our first date i was consumed with self doubt and riddled with anxiety. I had gotten off of my bus to meet him. I lit my cigarette and puffed frantically until my eyes met his. That was just it. He had me at hello.

The date was the best first date I had ever had, filled with laughter and sparks of chemistry. However my heart was heavy at the possibility of what ifs. What if he never wanted see me again? What if he just wanted one thing? From texting him prior to our first date I knew he wasn’t that kinda guy and I was right. But I’m sure you have watched dating shows where one person got a completely different vibe from their date. That awkward moment where one person says how amazing the date was while the other completely disagrees. Then you’re at home scratching your head wondering if you were watching the wrong date. Like I said my Prince Charming was special. He is special. It’s been a few months and I’m stupid happy. Happy to the point to where I have 90s rnb love songs on repeat. He made me feel magic and magic like that doesn’t come along often. I never read many fairy tales when I was a child but I grasped the concept of Prince Charming and the princess. Today? I’ve finally met my Prince Charming but most importantly together we’re writing our happily ever after. To be continued…….

Happy Dating 🙂

Hello… it’s me.

About 2/3 years ago I used to work in shoe retail. My God you have no idea what hell is until you’ve worked in retail. Surrounded by the ungrateful imbeciles of society. Absolute animals who think you are beneath them. It was while working there I had met a guy. This guy was bad. When I say bad I mean in the sense that he was the type of guy who made girls cry. The first day I met him I didn’t really think much of him. It was only when I caught a glimpse of him in a tank top, in the canteen, that my crush developed. I’m sorry but his work shirt did nothing for him. It didn’t show off his muscles. He was just.. well he was in shape. He was in phenomenal shape. Muscular arms, a strong back and dark hair. He had dark hair and cheeky brown eyes. He flirted with EVERYONE. Everything or anything with breasts and long hair. He was a player and I had heard a lot about his reputation with the opposite sex.

However it wasn’t until after that I learned he had asked about me. He had inquired about my relationship status. I had a boyfriend when I first started that job. That was with ‘prick of the century’. To this day he will always remain my most hated ex. He is now also FAT, notice how I have emphasised the word fat? Because he is HUGE now and it’s given me so much happiness. We had broken up and I was so fragile after the break up. I was drained and very ill. I started to notice Conor more in work. Part of me couldn’t help but feel jealous when he paid attention to the other girls.

December came and it was the night of our Christmas party. That night was when things changed. At first glance we are complete opposites, skin colour aside. We genuinely are two completely different people from different worlds. He’s posh, a posh bad boy if that makes sense. His hair is floppy, the way he speaks is quite articulate, he wears scruffy converse and tight t-shirts. BUT.. I wanted to give different a try so I did. We kissed at the Christmas party, he kissed me in the smoking area.  I had let go of any common sense that I had. He was bad news, I could feel it but girls love  a bad boy don’t they?  Things hadn’t gone well after that night. Thankfully he had gotten another job so I didn’t have to see him again. That night he insisted that I spend the night with him. I stayed in his that night, we didn’t have sex and I never heard from him again.

A few months later I heard from him again. He wanted another chance and he apologised. He had lost his grandmother that year, the night after the Christmas party. I was understanding and I decided to give him another chance. We texted, he invited me over to his place and cooked me dinner. It was really nice. At the time we were both quite busy it was hard to find time I guess. But isn’t that a bit of an excuse? You find time for things that are important.  A week or two went by and I received a text message from him. This text message was about two pages long and I will NEVER forget it. The message started off with him stating what a nice ‘person’ I was but he was seeing someone else and couldn’t see me too. Followed by ‘I’m sorry’. I choked on my chewing gum that day, my eyeballs were so close to leaving their sockets. I am a ‘NICE PERSON’. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Where did he even find the time to meet someone else? Why the hell did he ask me for another chance and humiliate me like this? Questions followed by more questions and I’ll never forget that text message. I never replied, I simply unfriended him on Facebook. He got into a relationship with that girl, two years long.  Where does the time go?

Two years later and I receive a friend request and it’s from Conor. It was like a blast from my awkward past. I was so confused. What could he possibly want? Was he  still in a relationship? There was only one way to find out and that was by accepting his friend request. I accepted his request and shortly after I had a message from him. The conversation made me very suspicious. He was being ‘WAY’ too nice. Like it was honestly making me feel sick. So inquisitive and curious about my life. He even offered me a link to download college textbooks for free. What the hell was going on? Conversation flowed back and forth until I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to.. KNOW.  There is nothing subtle about me, I’m as subtle as a herd of elephants. I asked him what he wanted and what was this sudden interest in my life. I also reminded him of that lovely text message he had sent me. With emphasis on ‘you’re a nice person’. That line really pissed me off!! Was it supposed to be some sort of consolation prize? Telling me I’m a nice person and then kicking me in the vagina with ‘I’m seeing someone else’. If he thought that softened the blow well he’s an idiot. I couldn’t wait to see how he would respond. Basically he told me that I popped up in the Facebook friend suggestions and he had been thinking of me. Facebook friend suggestions piss me off because it suggests people I don’t like, exes or the morons of society. Which led me to think ‘what the hell changed for him to be ‘thinking’ of me after two years?’. I scoped out his Facebook and it no longer stated ‘in a relationship’. I found this very interesting. After his explanation he asked me if I still had the same number and added me on Snapchat.

I should have known better than to have accepted his friend request because of course he was another DICKHEAD. Well he was already a dickhead but he was a dickhead from my past. He’s a DICK! Once again he bombards me with questions, he send me snapchats and I respond. It was only when he asked me where I lived that I started to feel strange. He informed me that he was living 15 minutes away from me. He obviously googled our distance which I thought was really weird. I mean borderline creepy. He followed up by asking me over to his house. Bear in mind I haven’t spoken to him in TWO YEARS.  He decides to barge into my life like an Adele song.  It was ten thirty p.m. Where exactly do I tell my mother I am going? I refused his offer and I haven’t heard from him since. So he gets  contact with me after two years to try and sleep with me? What am I? An unfinished game of FIFA?

What I learned was that some things are better of left in the past. If your past comes knocking on your door and says ‘hello.. it’s me’. Should you answer? In some cases yes but in this case it’s a definitive no. Another toad kissed. I must be getting closer by now?

Happy Dating 🙂

You don’t take your sister to Tenerife

So I haven’t given up on the whole Tinder thing. I am persisting due to it’s convenience. To be honest if you’ve read my last post you will be aware that I haven’t had the best luck with Tinder. You have to fall down a few times don’t you? The more frogs you kiss the closer you get to your prince. Or in my case, I’ve been kissing toads. The really ugly ones who are dark green with long webbed toes. Actually do toads even have toes? Getting off topic back to the subject at hand.

I became more apprehensive after my disasters. I became smarter. It’s sad that when you’ve been hurt so many times, you start to question. I started to question myself but also the intentions of the guys that I attracted. The next guy I met on Tinder was lovely. This guy was funny, easy to talk to and attractive. Well semi attractive physically. His humour made him more attractive. I don’t like fair hair on a man. This is going to sound ridiculous but fair hair reminds me of the Nazi’s. Now before you raise your eyebrows let me explain. Right Hitler was all about creating his Arian race, blonde hair blue eyes. I just find that look is very feminine and also makes me think of the Nazi’s. Now I bet that makes more sense now. Doesn’t it?  Well it makes a lot of sense in my little head.

Anyways we got talking and I actually thought ‘ok maybe this one won’t be a dickhead’. Maybe the curse of the dickheads has been lifted? We continued to speak but something inside of me told me there was something wrong. Call it female intuition or gut instinct, this feeling was strong. Going by experience that feeling is always right. Now if you are not familiar with Tinder let me fill you in. Basically it shows you your mutual friends on Facebook. To avail of a Tinder account one must be on Facebook. It’s a great idea and less chance of being catfished. He had asked me out, he organised a date for Saturday. I had agreed however my gut was niggling at me.

Never underestimate the power of a woman. We have more skills than an FBI agent. Trust me when you meet a woman you can guarantee that she has researched you. She will know that you have a dog, went on holidays in June and who your favourite football team are. She will have all this information before your first date.  We had one mutual Facebook friend. It wasn’t that hard to find him on Facebook. However I wasn’t prepared for what I found. Brace yourselves!! He had a… girlfriend! Yes he was a sneaky dirty cheater. This wasn’t a new relationship. They had pictures together  dating back to early 2014.

At first I noticed his profile picture. He was smiling, tanned and on his own in the photo. I start to scroll and there it was. A photo of him and a dark haired girl. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. She could of been anyone really. I keep scrolling and there was an album labelled ‘Tenerife’. Once again I saw the same dark haired girl. At first I thought ‘maybe it’s his sister’. WHO THE HELL TAKES THEIR SISTER TO TENERIFE?? No grown man would take his sister on a holiday, it’s creepy. My brothers wouldn’t take me to Tenerife. What a slippery little prick. They had been on holidays together in Tenerife looking like one of those couples from a holiday ad. I felt sick, disgusted and angry. What does one do with all this information?

He had told me he was single a year. Which was a LIE. I decided to calm down and try to catch him out. I went back to our conversation and I asked him innocently if he has been on any holidays this year. He responded with yes he had been to Tenerife. My fingers stiffened as I asked my next question ‘who did you go with?’. I prepared myself for his answer. He told me he had been on a lad’s holiday. To be honest part of me laughed inside. Lad’s holiday? Really? Well that was definitely a very, very feminine lad he had gone with. Secondly I asked him if he was on Facebook. His response was really an insult to my intelligence. ‘No I don’t really use it much’. WOW, just WOW!! I’m sorry but if Obama has time to use Facebook what he hell made this dickhead any different? Like hello Obama uses Facebook and Twitter!! What a liar, an absolute prick. It was his girlfriend I felt sorry for. She looked so happy in the pictures and she was wasting her time with this idiot. The last words he said to me were ‘why do you not believe me?’ How many times would he have said those words to his girlfriend? I calmly responded ‘why would I believe you when you have a girlfriend?’.  Ten minutes went by and within those ten minutes he had unmatched me and blocked me on Instagram. Like the real coward and slippery prick that he is. I hope his hair falls out and his balls fall off.

Men are complex creatures but I’ve learned that actions speak louder than words. A man that honestly cares for me will show me. None of those cheesy overused chat up lines.What I’ve learned from this experience is that I should always trust my gut instinct. I’ve also learned that men do not take their sister to Tenerife.

Happy Dating 🙂

 

 

AND….. It’s a match

I’ve racked my brains countless times and asked myself ‘where does one meet a man?’. In order to meet Mr right, one must create opportunities. Opportunities in social settings which provides you with social networks.   Or if you’re as lazy as me you resort to online dating apps. From the comfort of your own home men are brought to you, ready to be scrutinised.

I finally decided to try the whole Tinder thing. With everything there will be both good and bad reviews. Tinder has a reputation for being a place where people go to ‘hook up’. Portable easy access to potential sexual partners. I’m pretty stubborn so I like to find things out for myself. Also I am a grown woman, a 23 year old woman who needs help meeting men. How many other women do you know would buy a book to help her meet men? It can’t be just me. I can’t be the only reason that what’s his face is a best selling author.

When you create a dating online profile. The first thing you want to do is upload the most attractive selfies of yourself. You need to come off as appealing to the opposite sex, but you also do not want to portray yourself as ‘skanky’ or ‘slutty’. It’s also important to upload at least one full length photo just to avoid disappointment for both parties. I created my profile and I was ready to start swiping. There was a LOT of left swiping. I am picky! Well, not picky but I know what I like and it was honestly every 1 in 20 guys that I found attractive.

First there was the mechanic guy, we got on so well. He was physically appealing, funny and could hold a conversation. He finally asked me out, he wanted to take me to the zoo. I LOVE the zoo. So much more interesting than the cinema or going for food. The cinema is a terrible first date idea. Why would you want to sit in the dark with a stranger and not speak or look at one another? How exactly are you supposed to get to know one another? Then there’s the awkward fumbling where he reaches for your hand when you were actually reaching for the popcorn. Super awkward moment, in the dark, with a stranger when all you wanted was popcorn. I started to look forward to the date until I noticed that he hadn’t brought it up. Basically the day before our date he text me to cancel and told me that he had to work. I never heard from him again. I was so angry, the nerve of him treating me like he was good-looking. The little guide I purchased to help me with my man trouble advised me to keep my options open and not to be restricted to just one guy.  I was keeping my options open so I had a back up. Back up guy was a complete contrast to mechanic guy. Back up guy was really tanned, when I say tanned I mean like he had been living in a sunbed his entire life. My God he was very tropical looking alright. Physically I thought he was my type. He was dark, tall and handsome. Basically like a living walking Ken doll type. Unfortunately this Ken doll had the personality of a shoelace. I’ve had more meaningful conversations with my neighbour’s dog.  It was almost like I had gone back in time and I was 16 years old again. He came on soooooo strong, bombarding me with compliments and counting down the days until our date. He honestly would send me text messages saying ‘two days left now’. I wanted to vomit, I felt physically ill but I had to give him a chance. I had to create opportunities for me to meet Mr Right. Ken Doll wasn’t Mr Right, he cancelled our date without even cancelling. That’s right after bombarding me with messages for two weeks he couldn’t pick up the phone to tell me there was no date. Instead he never gave me a time to meet and the last message I had received was four hours prior to his last text. Obviously we never spoke again.

I didn’t let this get me down. Okay that’s a lie I consumed a ridiculous amount of pizza and listened to Adele. We all cope differently. The next guy was MY CUP OF TEA. This guy ticked all of my boxes. He was attractive, like I would rate him a solid 8. He was funny, down to earth and charming without the use of any sexual innuendos. He was employed, had no kids and a full set of teeth. I swiped right, he swiped right and we were a match! Of course since this is me, the most unfortunate woman on earth it didn’t go how I thought it would. Three weeks of texting, we meet up and enjoy one another’s company, I don’t sleep with him. I never heard from him again. This time it really got to me because I actually liked this guy. However he was only after one thing and I wasn’t going to compromise myself to boost his ego.

Dating is hard, no matter how old you are. I guess as I’m getting older I really am hoping to find Mr right. The club scene is something I’ve grown out of. I want meaningful conversation, laughter and a future. So I’ll hold on for now. I’ll keep swiping in hope. In hope that Mr  right will swipe right, I’ll swipe right and… it’s a match.

Happy Dating 🙂

 

GET THE GUY…

I’ve accepted that I am a man REPELLENT. No matter what I do and how much I over analyse things I still can’t seem to get past a first date or past more than awkward text messages. I am at a dead end and living in limbo.

Therefore I have accepted and realised that I need HELP!! I can’t avail of the help I need from my girlfriends. As women some of can’t seem to get past the bad experiences we’ve had with ex boyfriends, which means that we are stuck in the whole ‘all men are ass-holes’ mode. The other majority of us are so loved up that we can’t see through our love goggles, which means that we do not have a realistic idea of men/love. How can you be rational when you are wearing love goggles? You can’t because you’re so caught up in how AMAZING he is that you overlook his FLAWS.

So where does a woman like me get help? Well a trip to Easons certainly helped. Initially I had gone to Easons book store on a hunt for a book called ‘the secret’. I’m sure that you have heard of it. The reviews I had gotten was that this book was LIFE CHANGING. What did I have to lose? Nothing. I’m stuck in a rut and I need some change in my life. After I finally located the book in the basement I started getting so excited. Nothing turns me on more than a new book, the smell of the pages and holding it in my hands untarnished. It wasn’t until I turned the book and saw the price that my excitement deflated. My eyebrows went up so high that I was sure they had gotten lost in my hairline. Maybe I didn’t ACTUALLY need this book, well not for 26.99 anyway. Afterwards I started browsing and that’s when I found it. The answer to my prayers. It was a book called ‘Get the Guy’. What caught my eye wasn’t just the title but the attractive guy on the cover so I picked it up and I read. WOW.. I needed this book. Plus it was cheaper than ‘the secret’. This was perfect.

I’ve read the first two chapters of this book and already it is working. What better way to understand a man’s mind than to take advice from a man. I told my best friend about this book and of course she laughed. Nobody takes me seriously. So sit back ladies and let me insight you on what I’ve learned.

The book states that as women we are constantly waiting. Waiting to be asked, waiting to be approached and more importantly waiting for Mr. right. The book recommends that we need to meet MORE men, now I am not advising you to share your yourself with the nation. He means that we need to build social skills and this is through meeting more guys and TALKING to more guys. Meeting new guys in college, in the gym or on the bus. He recommends to talk to three guys everyday. Now imagine if you spoke to three guys everyday for two months, one of them has to be Mr right. The more guys you meet the more choice you have.

Chapter two is all about becoming a woman of value. A woman of value has independence, integrity and is feminine. Now the problem with guys and commitment is that they do not want to be smothered or have to give up things. Have you ever noticed that as women we tend to give up things for men? We tend to make them the focus points of our lives. A woman of value has her own… LIFE. A woman of value has hobbies and interests which fulfil her and her life. To attract an extraordinary man.. we must live extraordinary lives. Makes sense doesn’t it? A woman of value is confident in.. HERSELF. There will always be someone who is prettier or in my case taller. Basically looks alone just doesn’t cut it. Think LAWS OF ATTRACTION. Confidence attracts, once a man senses that you are insecure it’s an instant turn off. Be aware of what you have to bring to the table, whether you are single or not. Men like to feel needed and like they are providing something. I’m not talking financially, more emotionally. Like they are adding more to your life. Have you ever gone out on a date and a guy offered you his jacket. Have you ever refused the jacket? Well stop that NOW! Do not refuse the jacket, no matter how ugly it is, irrelevant of the fact that you are not cold. You TAKE that jacket and you wear it well. Men like to feel needed and that you accept them.Taking the jacket symbolises that you are accepting them into your life and accepting their help.

Today as I sat on the bus engrossed in my book, I looked up and in front of me sat an attractive guy. What did I do? I struck up a conversation with him. I was nervous but I decided to overcome that and test this book. We talked for most of the bus journey and I found out that we are studying in the same college. I was being proactive and CREATING opportuinity.

I’m not gonna sit and wait for Mr. right to find me. I’m gonna go out there, find him and grab him by the balls. By the way that is a METAPHOR, I do not plan on grabbing strangers by the genitals. I believe that is sexual assault and I have no intention of ever  getting arrested. Ladies I highly recommend getting your hands on this book. Two chapters in and I have approached two guys and spoken to them today. I walked down the street and I told myself ‘BE CONFIDENT’. It worked as I was approached by a creepy elderly guy who asked me to go for coffee which I kindly turned down. I walked by a group of builders and they told me that I was prettiest girl they had seen that day. I believe it truly was because I was exuding CONFIDENCE. I was SHINING and I felt empowered,.

So ladies step out of your comfort zones. Put yourselves in social settings where you can MEET guys. Talk to as MANY guys as you can. Strike conversation, be confident and SMILE. I’m on a mission and I will be testing out all of the steps and techniques given to me. I will of course keep you beautiful people updated. Take a chance and hey do what I did. Talk to that attractive stranger on your bus. What have you got to lose?

Happy Dating 🙂

That guy from Jersey….

At the start of the summer I met this guy. This guy from New Jersey, this guy who lives on the other side of the world. It all started on Instagram, basically a modern day love story. Social media has destroyed romance. Due to these social outlets such as Facebook, Tinder, Instagram and dating sites, I am starting to question if romance still exists. I feel that social media has made us all quite lazy and especially guys. Social media has made it so much easier to lie. Girls hide behind filters and we can over sexualise ourselves across social media. Guys are atttracted to what they see and come at us dick first. So who is to blame? What happened to people actually trying to get to know one another? Instead of building an assumption based on our online profiles.

Here is how the story usually goes. It all starts with a like or a follow. He likes your posts, you like his back. He then follows you and you follow back. This is considered modern day flirting. Now I wonder is this going to be MY love story? When I have kids in the future and they ask how I met their father. Will my response be ‘he poked me on Facebook and that’s how it started’ or on an extreme note ‘he sent me a dick pic on Instagram’. At the moment that is how guys have been approaching me!! I get poked on Facebook by the unattractive male population and I receive random dick pics on Instagram. It is like a perverted surprise. I really wish sometimes that Instagram never created the option to direct message one another. However if they hadn’t of created that option then I would of never spoken to Jersey boy.

It all started with a like and then a follow. Jerseyboy as I call him is a complicated creature but a fine specimen of a man. He liked my photos and I in turn liked this. We were flirting I guess. The likes got more constant and one day I received a DM(direct message) from him. It was actually a sunny day in Dublin that day. I was off work and eating my breakfast. I nearly choked on my porridge when I saw his DM, no it wasn’t a dick pic. It was just… unexpected. Long story short we exchanged numbers and I guess he became a sort of Whatsapp pen pal. See how modern technology has made our lives so much easier to communicate? Despite the fact that we are on separate continents, have different time zones. I never felt the distance.

It felt so normal that I was this Irish girl who met this American guy and spoke to him everyday. Yes I have watched the TV series Catfish and no he is not a catfish. I know this because he sends me videos and selfies of himself. When it’s daytime here it’s night time there. I lie in bed and we talk, sometimes I forget that he is in Jersey and that I am in Dublin.

It sounds cute but this situation is far from cute, especially when you start to develop feelings. Unfortunately I think I was the only one developing these feelings. Jersey guy is so many things. He is complicated,  withdrawn, mysterious, funny but very guarded. The summer has ended but I am still talking to this guy from Jersey. I am still thinking about this guy from Jersey. This guy who makes me laugh, this guy that I am attracted to but also this guarded guy who won’t let me in. We all keep our guards up but I wonder about him. I guess that’s what keeps me drawn to him. We are divided by so many barriers but we’re still drawn to one another. Which makes me question myself but mostly question him. I must be doing something right if this guy from Jersey takes time out of his day to message me. Despite the time zones and despite our locations.

I am planning on going to New York next summer on a J1 student visa, Jersey isn’t far from New York. So how will this love story end? Will I meet Jersey boy and actually see if this thing goes beyond physical attraction? Or will we end how we started? Will this go from starting with a follow and ending with an unfollow? Will he become somebody that I USED to know? Or in a turn of events… will he be my American boy?

Happy Dating 😊

‘Netflix and Chill?’ …. I’ll lend you the taxi fare ;)

We have all seen the memes or heard of the epidemic that is ‘Netflix and Chill’. If you are not aware of ‘Netflix and Chill’ well let me enlighten you. Basically ‘Netflix and Chill’ is when a guy invites you over to his house to watch a movie, but with no intentions of actually watching the movie. It’s basically like a sex trap. Yes it is a sex trap, a way for him to lure you to his house under false pretences. Aren’t men just wonderful creatures?

I met this Lithuanian guy in work, well actually no I met him on Facebook. However he knew where I worked. Pretty much the basic love story in modern day society. Boy sees girl’s Facebook profile, boy sends girl a friend request. Girl checks out boy’s profile and girl accepts friend request. Boy starts liking girl’s pictures and boy plants the seed of seduction. Ring any bells? Of course it does. This guy sent me a friend request, we had mutual friends and he was quite pretty. That’s not even me being shallow, that’s me stating facts. He was in fact pretty. BUT he broke my rules. He had fair hair BUT he compensated by being tall. He was also a model and had nice eyes. I was kind of hesitant because I don’t know anything about foreign guys. I’ve only ever dated Irish guys with the exception of one. A Romanian guy who worked in my Londis as security. He was a big guy, not in weight but in stature. He was tall, he was dark and he was built like a Ford Focus. We would always stare at each other when I picked up my daily essentials which usually consisted of magazines. I liked to know what Cheryl Cole was getting up to at the time.

One day I decided to do something very un-me like. I wrote my number down on a piece of paper and slipped it to him during my next visit. That is probably the most smooth I have ever operated. My friends know me as being basically awkward and having verbal diarrhoea. My mouth has no filter. Have you ever gone out on a date and told a guy about a fetish site where people pay to be pooed on? Huh have you? Of course not because you are normal. I on the other hand, well I’m strange. In my defence I am not interested in watching videos of people have poo in their mouths. However my cousin and her boyfriend decided to show me the site and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s disgusting like who even likes that? There really is a market for everything isn’t there?

Anyways back to Londis guy. There were a few problems with Londis guy. Firstly I couldn’t pronounce his name, secondly the language barrier. There’s only so much smiling and gazing you can do, my jaws were very sore after our dates. Lastly he was a bit of a racist, no actually he was a racist. Not against me but against Irish people. It didn’t work out with us and I had to find somewhere else to do my essential shopping.

Back to Lithuanian guy, he seemed nice but all guys seem nice at the start don’t they? He was different, not just the way he spoke but the fact that he was genuine. He cared about how my day went and tried to help me in anyway he could. It was really embarrassing when he would come into my job. I wanted to hide, I didn’t even know it was possible for a 23 year old woman to blush so much. I couldn’t even make direct eye contact.

We had been texting everyday for three weeks. It had become part of my routine you know? I was starting to wonder ‘is this guy ever gonna ask me out?’ He had mentioned going on a date but hadn’t asked me. One night after work I came home. He text me like he always did asking did I get home okay. So I got home at half eleven that night as usual. I get into my PJ’s and get comfortable as we text. An hour passes and then two. It was now half one in the morning. He tells me that he is watching a movie and would I like to watch it with him. I assumed he was joking so I humoured him and said ‘it would take me too long to walk’. Bit of friendly banter.

Well wait til I tell you what came next. He told me to take a taxi and …. wait for it!! He then told me that: HE WOULD LEND ME THE TAXI FARE. No you are not mistaken. There are many, many, problems here. 1. He invited me over at an inappropriate time to ‘Netflix and Chill’. 2. He hadn’t even taken me on a proper date yet. 3. This guy was such a cheap bastard that he wanted to LEND me money to come to the house he had INVITED me to??

I immediately had to text my friends and tell them because I had never in life experienced anything like this in MY life. What the fuck does that even mean? He will LEND me the money. I turned down the invitation strictly because I just couldn’t take him seriously and secondly because my mother is worse than the FBI. Not only is she not a light sleeper but she would interrogate me for days and I simply did not need that right now.

After he sensed my lack of enthusiasm he told me that he was only joking. We both knew that was a lie. Alongside being cheap he was also a liar. He apologised and hoped that I wasn’t angry so I let loose. I told him that firstly we hadn’t been on a date and secondly it was inappropriate for him to ask me over at that time. I continued by telling him that we had been texting for three weeks and he had only mentioned a date once. If he wanted to see me then he would have to take me on a date. Not invite me over to his house at this unreasonable hour. He apologised and asked me to go on a date the next day.

We had arranged to meet the next ay after I had met up with my friend first. I had given him CLEAR instructions; I am meeting my friend at 3pm and I will text you when I get home. I should be about 3 hours. Is there anything difficult about those instructions? No, no there isn’t. I get home and text him like I said I would. I had a message from him at 4pm which was strange. I text him inquiring about the time of our date and he tells me that he was assumed the date was cancelled. He made this assumption based on the fact that I hadn’t responded. Now you can see from above that my instructions were CLEAR, CRYSTAL CLEAR. I was pissed off, I was angry and it wasn’t nice. I was started to wonder did he ever have any intention of meeting me? Clearly not.

To sum up Lithuanian guy once again he apologised and tried to rearrange for the next day but I refused. The last message I had from him was ‘I hope that we can meet someday when you have can’. I am sorry but how much more available could I have made myself? Prick is all he was. I never replied and his response? Lithuanian guy and myself have three mutual friends. He unfriended me and I have moved on. I will also never visit Lithuania.

Happy Dating 🙂

He’s nice BUT…. he’s got really big nostrils

Right I’m picky. I’ll be the first person to admit that I am picky. I know what I like. I have this little tick list in my head. Is there anything wrong with that? No! No there isn’t. My best friend reckons that I need to stop being ridiculous. Her exact words ‘just because he has big nostrils doesn’t mean he’s not a good person’. Can you believer her? I am not shallow I just like average sized normal nostrils. It’s not a big thing to ask for. I would rather be picky than settle for a semi attractive guy with really big nostrils.

There was this guy. He didn’t tick my boxes at all but he was persistent. We all know that God loves a tryer. He does, doesn’t he? Firstly I’m not fond of fair hair or blonde hair on a man. It makes me think of the Nazis, I know it’s a strange comparison but it makes sense in my head. Fair hair on a man makes me think of Hitler. You know how Hitler was all for the blonde hair blue eyed boys? Well I think it’s really feminine and also makes me think of Hitler and his Arian race. I think dark hair is much nicer and more masculine on a man. That was the first strike, the fact that he had fair hair. The second strike was his non average sized nostrils. This nostrils were so big that if he sneezed he would cause an earthquake. They were BIG. I just couldn’t stop staring at them from his profile. It wasn’t nice. Then I started to see his nostrils in my dreams. That also wasn’t nice.

My friends thought I was being silly and crazy, but they changed their minds when they say the nostrils!! So who’s vain now? The thing I didn’t really understand was his persistent, like this guy was EVERYWHERE. Then I started to wonder ‘maybe he ACTUALLY doesn’t realise that he has really big nostrils?’. There is no way that he was aware of this. I could tell from his badly angled selfies, all you could see were his nostrils. His really big nostrils.

However I’m all about giving people chances and I thought to myself ‘hey what have I got to lose?’ I had nothing to lose so I gave in. Now in person his nostrils were not as large as they had seemed from my phone. To be honest he was quite attractive despite the fair hair and his height. Okay so that was another problem; his height. He couldn’t have been any taller than 5 ft 5 and that is me being generous. I’m a small person but I don’t necessarily want to paired with another small person. Our children wouldn’t stand a chance would they? We would procreate even smaller people, we would be like a really small people family. Basically it’s not nice. Look at me I never stood a chance, my parents are small people and they passed on those genes to me. It’s not fair since my brothers are both tall people and they haven’t even finished growing. I was stuck with the short genes, I haven’t grown since I was fourteen. Although when I was twenty I was pretty sure that I had grown a few centimetres but my doctor assured me that it was my hair.

So he didn’t tick the first two boxes on my list. Fair enough he seemed nice enough I guessed. However my eyes then drifted to his feet. I have an obsession with clean footwear, it’s kind of rude if your shoes are dirty I think. His choice of footwear was impressive, his shoe size was not. He couldn’t have been bigger than a size 5. His runners were TINY, they were really small. So small that I was starting to feel really uncomfortable. Why were his feet so small?

The conversation was flowing but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his feet. What made it even more insulting was the fact that after our encounter I barely heard from him. I guess the thrill of the chase was over? Seriously though I gave this guy a chance and he decides to treat me as if he were good-looking. Can you imagine? He still to this day keeps uploading those unattractive selfies of himself from those horrendous angles. I just get this urge to comment ‘stop flaring your nostrils’. People double tap to zoom in you know. We can all see up his anal canal and it is NOT nice.

What did I learn from this? Basically that I will probably die alone due to the fact that I am picky? I prefer the term selective though if I’m honest. On a serious note I think that we all have a type in our heads. The mistake that we make is that we let this ‘type’ consume us. To be honest most of the features that we ‘think’ we are looking for do not exist. Does Prince Charming ACTUALLY exist? Is Superman really going to whisk into one of my lectures looking like he was carved by angels, lift me from my seat and carry me into the sunset? No unfortunately he is not because if I saw a grown man dressed as Superman in broad daylight, I would more than likely call the police.  The moral of the story is Mr. Right/Perfect is a character we have created in our minds. He is a fictious creature who only exists in our imagination. My problem? I guess I’m focusing too much on Mr. Wrong and not focusing on myself. My God this whole single thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Happy Dating 🙂

My first date went a little like this…

I know, I know its been a while since I have informed you lovely people of my love life. Well more like my lack of love life. My love life is so tragic that my parents go on more dates than I do. Isn’t that just disgusting? They are way too old to be enjoying life more than me. Now don’t get me wrong, these past 6 months of single life have taught me so much. I have learned that… men are pigs and that I am a love repellent. No seriously I attract some serious stinkers and I honestly cannot fathom why. I am a nice person you know? I give out positive energy and sometimes I don’t pass those Concern volunteers on the street.

So I’ve been on two dates in six months. That’s right I have been on TWO dates, notice the emphasis on the number TWO. My first date took place earlier on this summer. It was with a guy that I had known for a while. I guess you could say that we were friends first. That was nice as I’ve never really had that before. Anyway I was so nervous, when I’m nervous sometimes I go shopping. First impressions are important so I invested in a pair of Topshop jeans, expensive Topshop jeans. These jeans cost me €80, that is the equivalent of two weeks worth of food shopping. I never usually make such expensive purchases but this was a special occasion. I told myself that it was special to ease the guilt as I passed my debit card to the smiley sales assistant. I honestly felt like I was giving her my soul… for €80.

We had agreed to meet in this fancy pub to watch the football match and have a few drinks. I don’t like football, I don’t understand the concept of chasing a ball in shorts. I just don’t get it!! It’s such an aggressive sport isn’t it? I get to the pub and I noticed that he was slurring his words. I just thought that maybe he had a pint or two while he was waiting for me. How wrong was I!!!

We’re sitting down and we’re talking and he’s swaying in his seat and slurring his words. Bear in mind it was only half past eight in the evening, it was way too early for that sort of behaviour. I put it down to my imagination. There was a really pretty Asian waitress and she was so smiley. Mark decided that he was going to address her as Jon Sing, this was followed by him clicking his fingers at her. I died inside you know? That feeling when you want the floor to swallow you up. Ye that was me unfortunately. However it didn’t stop there oh no!! Mark then picked up his pint and spilled it on my new Topshop jeans, my new Topshop jeans which cost me two weeks worth of food shopping. What a charmer ay? Jon Sing immediately caught what happened and the two of were on our knees mopping up the mess. Where was Mark? Mark had decided to put on his sunglasses and watch us mop up his mess.

You would think that a sane woman would slap him and leave. Well I’m definitely not a sane woman, I stayed. I guess I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt? Or maybe I just thought it was down to nerves? I honestly could not comprehend how he could be so drunk after three pints. We moved seats after an Asian wedding party finally left.That’s the other weird aspect of this date, there was a strange Asian wedding going on. I have never witnessed anything like it. The bride was like a pretty little porcelain doll and her dress was in a vintage style. The grooms men were all hugging each other, a bit inappropriately I found. It was just bizarre you know, especially in the area we were in. It was a nice pub don’t get me wrong but it didn’t exactly scream wedding venue.

So myself and Mark moved to the comfy seats and I asked him how could he be so drunk. He looked at me well I think he was looking at me and confessed that he had been drinking since 1pm earlier that afternoon. I’m sorry but who even does that? He had been drinking since 1pm and had also indulged with a joint. When he knows that joints do not agree with him. I had no words, he was slurring his words. This was followed by him spilling his second pint on my Topshop jeans. My soul was dying inside. My expensive Topshop jeans!! I haven’t shopped there since.I had to take him home especially after I had witnessed him get lost after his trip to the toilet. He couldn’t even remember where we had been sitting.

I decided to take him by the hand and find a taxi to take him home. If he couldn’t find his way to our seats he definitely would not remember his house. There I am trying to flag a taxi on the side of the road, I see one and my immediate instinct is to run so that the taxi driver sees me. What happens? As I was running I tripped over a part of invisible path in my heels and drop to the ground. It was almost in slow motion. I could see myself falling but there was no way to stop myself. I was going down and it was inevitable. My arm got tangled in my handbag strap, I was falling hard and I was wearing heels. Mark was like a lost child and at this stage not only was he incoherent but he had forgotten my name. All I could hear was ‘Lindsey where are you gone? Lindsey?’. Towards the end of the disaster date I had noticed him calling me Lindsey, that is not my name. I don’t care what anyone says it is in no where close to my actual name!!

There I was splayed out on the concrete as that idiot called me by the wrong name! This was when I had finally lost my patience. I told him to pick me up and that I was on the ground. I wasn’t that nice though, there was a lot of swearing!! A LOT of cussing, it wasn’t very ladylike but then again I’m not much of a lady. I put the idiot in the taxi and took him home. I walked him into his house. Can it get any worse than this? Yes, yes of course it did!! His mother asked me to leave because she thought I was some hussy who was there to spend the night. I’m sorry but after that disaster of a date the only thing that was on my mind was getting home to MY actual bed.

I took a taxi home after paying for his taxi. Yes I am generous. Our date was exactly three hours long. Three hours of disaster. As I’m typing this I’m actually laughing to myself because it is funny. It wasn’t funny at the time however it has taught me a lesson. If a guy ever calls me by another girl’s name then that is my queue to kick him hard… in the genitals. I guess I have a lot more frogs to kiss before I eventually find my prince.

Happy Dating 🙂

Getting into a relationship may seem like a good idea BUT.. so was getting on the Titanic. Need I say more?

As I write well type this so much has happened. I am now typing as a single woman. That’s right I am single. I took a risk, got on the Titanic and.. it sank. It’s been 3 weeks now since myself and James broke up. I called it quits. Looking back its almost like I dreamt it all. It almost doesn’t seem real that I cared so much for one person. I gave my time and energy to our relationship. We had plans, BIG plans. Unfortunately however now I’ll have to make new plans but I’m excited for the unknown.

We lived together, we were happy and he honestly gave me everything. Looking back now I ask myself was that enough? For the past while things had not been rosy. We fought, we fought a lot. I always wanted to fix things because I had invested so much into the relationship. However James was different, he took the silent approach and that wasn’t fair. How can you ignore someone when you live together? Sex was another issue, our lack of it I guess. Don’t get me wrong sex is important but is it really the heart of a relationship? Is there not other ways of being close and intimate without doing the deed? I love to be affectionate, i love cuddling and simple things like hand holding. He on the other hand lost interest if my form of affection didn’t lead to sex, that annoyed me.

Three weeks ago he turned to me and his exact words were ‘I’m not happy, I’m not happy with the way things are going. I’m not happy with our lack of sex life either. We have no sex life it doesn’t exist’. I was speechless, I stood there as he loaded the gun. I took a deep breath and I pulled the trigger. I sat at home contemplating and thinking about what my next move would be. I texted him and I told him I couldn’t do this any more. It wasn’t working and neither of us was happy. I told him I would be moving out. I pulled the trigger and he took my bullet.

At first he agreed and I thought well this is going to be a good break up. I moved out. It was hard, I didn’t realise what I was actually doing until I saw my boxes fill the hallway. At that point I broke down. It hit me that this home I had built with him was no longer my home. I would never set foot in this apartment again and it was soul crushing.

He wanted me back, he wanted me to try but I couldn’t and that made him angry. I felt awful, I felt like he was blackmailing me emotionally and is that fair? We both invested everything into this relationship, there’s no shame in admitting we were wrong.

Looking back now I ask myself, was I REALLY in LOVE? I know that I loved him but now I question was I.. IN LOVE? Love is tricky because we get caught up and infatuated with the CONCEPT and IDEA of love. How many of us have actually BEEN in love? My idea of love is when all those love songs make sense. When the lyrics hit you and it’s as if the songwriter looked into your soul. Love is when someone drives you crazy, you wanna punch them in the face kind of crazy but two minutes later they make you smile. Love is that one person you cannot forget about. You memorise every detail of their body. Every freckle, how their eyes crinkle when they smile, their fingertips and the way they smell. Love is that feeling when you see that person and your heart is literally going to burst out of your chest. Love is knowing that no matter how hard you try you will never forget that person. Lastly love is knowing that no matter how many relationships you get into to, they will never work out because they are not THAT person,

I’ve taken a lot from my relationship with James and I’ve learned a lot from it. Why get on the Titanic, when you know it’s going to sink?